Challenge: Pitch Examples

Last week, I talked about creating a pitch that reflects the heart of your story. A couple of you asked for examples, so this week I’m going to take two published works and condense them to the single sentence and paragraph pitches. I’ve also included the jacket flap summary so we have something to compare to.
Disclaimer: These are my personal takes on the hearts of these stories—as in, this is the single most important thing I walked away with after I finished each book. Someone else might come up with something completely different.

Ship Breaker by Paolo Bacigalupi
Jacket Flap: In America's Gulf Coast region, where grounded oil tankers are being broken down for parts, Nailer, a teenage boy, works the light crew, scavenging for copper wiring just to make quota--and hopefully live to see another day. But when, by luck or chance, he discovers an exquisite clipper ship beached during a recent hurricane, Nailer faces the most important decision of his life: Strip the ship for all it's worth or rescue its lone survivor, a beautiful and wealthy girl who could lead him to a better life.
Sentence: This is a story about survival, whether you come from the very rich or the very poor.
Pitch: The ice caps have melted and the world has become a place of Have’s and Have Not’s, where the gap between them is infinite. One teenage boy, Nailer, has spent his whole life struggling to survive on a filthy beach in the Gulf Coast region. Loyalty and survival are synonymous in his world, and the ability to depend on your crewmates is assumed (and required). Then we meet Nita, a teenage girl from the opposite economic spectrum, where assuming another’s loyalty could lead to death. When Nailer’s and Nita’s worlds collide, sparks fly in ways that neither could have imagined.

Stolen by Lucy Christopher
Jacket Flap: Gemma, 16, is on layover at Bangkok Airport, en route with her parents to a vacation in Vietnam. She steps away for just a second, to get a cup of coffee. Ty--rugged, tan, too old, oddly familiar--pays for Gemma's drink. And drugs it. They talk. Their hands touch. And before Gemma knows what's happening, Ty takes her. Steals her away. The unknowing object of a long obsession, Gemma has been kidnapped by her stalker and brought to the desolate Australian Outback. STOLEN is her gripping story of survival, of how she has to come to terms with her living nightmare--or die trying to fight it.
Sentence: A kidnapped girl recounts how she was stolen away to Australia’s outback.
Pitch: Stockholm Syndrome is a powerful thing. Most often, it’s associated with kidnappings, political causes, and some forms of abuse. But what about a situation where there is no abuse or coercion? STOLEN is a story that starts out with obsession, evolves into a kidnapping, and grows from there. Gemma is kidnapped by Ty, whose obsession with Gemma provokes him to steal her away so he can keep her to himself. He’s not abusive in any way; he simply intends to be the prominent figure in her life. He insists she will have all the freedoms and choices she would have had in her old world. More so, because she can do whatever she wants. Except for one thing—she can never leave. Gemma grows to understand where Ty is coming from and why he is the way he is, ceasing to see him as horrible and evil, and falls into Stockholm Syndrome. How can she leave when he becomes so reasonable? So human? And yet, she has to leave or she risks feeling trapped for the rest of her life.

So, what do you think of the differences between the Pitch and the Jacket Flap? Since the target audience for each is different, it makes sense to me that they would focus on different things. A reader is looking for an enticing story, so that’s the focus of the jacket flap. An agent or editor is looking for an enticing story, too, but they’re also looking at how well you can craft that story. Giving them the heart and soul shows how deep you want to go with your characters and themes, how ambitious you are, and how hard you are willing to work in order to write the best possible piece you can.

The core of your story may include key pieces of the ending, because that may be where the most important element is. Keep that in mind as you write your own pitches. It’s okay to include aspects of the ending in your pitch, because it may entice the agent or editor and make her look forward to reading the entire manuscript.

For any of you interested, here’s a challenge. Pick five or so books you’ve read recently, making sure that some of them aren’t high concept with an easy and obvious hook, and do what I just did. Write a single sentence that captures the essence of the book, then write a pitch paragraph. Don’t be surprised if it’s completely different from the jacket flap summary—a query pitch and a jacket flap summary are not always the same things.

Who’s up for the challenge?

Pitching Your Heart

Last week, I talked about getting to the heart of your story. This week, I want to talk about how that can give you a leg up when you’re ready to send out your queries. In other words, I want to talk about the pitch.
What is a pitch? Well, it’s pretty simple, right? Basically, it’s a one to two sentence summary of your story. BUT. It’s also not that simple (how many of you knew I was going to say that?).

I’ve already said that your elevator pitch can get you on the right track toward finding the core, or heart, of your story. And I believe that’s true. Once you have that, sit down and compare it with that early elevator pitch. Do they match? Chances are, there are some differences. What does that mean? It means your pitch is wrong.

When you write your pitch, you are writing about the heart of your story. That one, single most important aspect. The one thing that you want your readers to walk away with. This is the piece that’s most important to you, the writer. It is specific and detailed (i.e. not a general theme), and then you turn that into a hook, using your main character’s voice.

I know many writers who search their manuscripts for a great hook, but leave out the heart of the story. It’s an easy thing to do because great hooks have a ‘wow’ factor. But it runs the risk of setting the wrong expectations for an agent or editor. When they read a pitch, they are assuming it’s the heart of your story. If you give them something else, it might be too jarring of an experience for them, and then they might turn you down.

If you start with the heart of your story, then they know what they’re settling into, and you can build on that with your great characters, setting, and plot.

So, the heart of your story will not only help you when revising, it’ll also help you sell your work. I can’t see any reason not to know it. Can you? :)

Getting to the Core of Your Story

I’ve been wearing multiple writing hats lately. I’m writing a new book, which I always do in layers. I’m also revising my agented book. Trying to keep my hats straight can get a bit difficult, but I’m managing.
Anyway, the last time I had my revision hat on, my agent asked me a fabulous question. “What is the most important piece of this story? What is it you want to say?” I told her my answer, and then she told me what the story means to her. On a very basic level, they were the same, but her answer went so much deeper than mine. I realized that I’ve always wanted to convey exactly what she said, but I hadn’t made myself go deep enough to be consciously aware of it. Because of that, I’m now letting everything percolate in my head before I sit down to do actual revisions.

If my agent hadn’t asked me that question, I would have been in danger of losing sight of the core of my story. But now that I’m coming back around to it, I intend to have a good, solid grasp of it before making any further changes.

This whole thing reminded me of my early novels. The ones that are now in a drawer. :) Before I knew anything about anything, I sat down to write what I thought was a fun adventure in fantasy land. That’s all fine and good, but it also wasn’t enough. My characters needed to learn something and grow along the way, but they didn’t because I didn’t know what story I wanted to tell. Is this sounding familiar to anyone, or is it just me? :)

I’ve learned a lot since then, and have realized that I need to be on an intimate level with my story’s core. What is it at its most basic level? So basic that if I changed one tiny aspect, the entire story would change. What is it that I, the author, want my readers to walk away with?

I have more than one thing that I want to convey in my stories, of course. But most are consequences of that one, single most important aspect. Once you have a firm grasp of that, then you can figure out how to tell your story in the most effective way. Maybe that means your character goes in an unexpected direction, or maybe that means certain events happen while others don’t. Or, maybe the focus on certain things needs to shift. But, if you keep the core of your story in the forefront of your mind, then you can rest assured that you are still telling the story that you want to tell.

So, how do you get to that core? Well, there’s no ‘right’ way. But there are a few things that might get you on the right track.

Explore the themes in your story. Most good stories have more than one theme, so figure out what yours are and write them down. Refine them until you come across something that feels unshakable.

Write an elevator pitch. This boils your entire story down to one or two sentences, so this is likely going to be the most important part. Or, at least, it will lead to the most important part.

From there, you can continue to explore the aspects of your story until you’ve figured out the single most important piece. The piece that can’t change because, if it did, you’d be telling a different story.