Monday, November 11, 2013

500 Word Critique: MG Fantasy

Here's a recent critique of a story submitted by Daniel Klock. If you want to learn more about him or his story, you can visit him at his website, www.Fatherchristmasbook.com.

***
Fraud at Snowfields

This time Annabel leaned forwards and operated the screen. She closed the current job and opened the next one.

‘“Job 03, Area B3, Code yellow-2”,’ she read aloud.

‘Good. That’s not far from here. Off we go.’

And they took off again.

Contractus turned partly round to them again and said, ‘As you know a yellow-2 is a bit more challenging, so I’ll handle it, especially since we already have another job waiting and have to hurry. But you can help, of course.’

‘Okay,’ replied Will and Annabel in unison, and Will cer­tainly did not mind. He was happy just to watch and learn how to handle the different jobs. Because, he real­ised, even if they had trained and practised at school, be­ing out there and doing the job for real was quite a bit dif­ferent.

Soon they had reached their destination and Will could see the problem. Just as the code implied, the presents were all scattered around at the far back of the garden of the house. One was even up a tree; another one was stuck in the branches of a bush. Contractus hurriedly performed the cover spell on the sleigh and on himself, then jumped down from the sleigh as soon as it had slid to a stop. He hurried over to the scattered parcels, closely followed by Will and Annabel, covered once more by Annabel’s spell.

When they reached the presents, Contractus took out his wand, swept it around in a wide circle to include all the pack­ages, and performed the rather complicated spell that would re­locate them to the inside of the house, dir­ectly underneath the Christmas tree. Will was impressed by the ease and grace with which Contractus performed the spell. Annabel—and Sabrina of course—could probably have matched it, but Will could still well remember his first tries with the spells in the training area at school. He certainly had not managed to relocate the presents, but had ended up with them scattered even more about the place than when he had started.

Meanwhile the presents had disappeared, and there was no trace of them left in the snow. Contractus looked pleased, and led Will and Annabel over to the house. There he waved his wand again in the pattern of a com­plicated spell that Will did not know, and part of the wall in front of them turned transpar­ent, so they were looking directly at the Christmas tree inside the living room and could see that the presents were arranged neatly under­neath it.

‘Wow,’ Annabel said. ‘That’s a fabulous spell. I’d like to learn that one!’

Contractus smiled. ‘Yes, it can be very helpful indeed. But it’s quite complicated, and unfortunately has much potential for misuse, so I’m afraid it will be some time be­fore you’ll learn it.’

‘Oh.’ Annabel looked rather disappointed.

‘Let’s go back. We’re done here, and we already have the next job waiting.’

Will was the first to climb back onto the sleigh. He quickly closed the current job and opened the next one.
***

And here's my comments:

***
Fraud at Snowfields

This time Annabel leaned forwards and operated (a little awkward; perhaps 'to operate'?) the screen. She closed the current job and opened the next one.

‘“Job 03, Area B3, Code yellow-2”,’ she read aloud.

‘Good. That’s not far from here. Off we go.’

And they took off again.

Contractus turned partly round to them again and said, ‘As you know a yellow-2 is a bit more challenging, so I’ll handle it, especially since we already have another job waiting and have to hurry. But you can help, of course.’

‘Okay,’ replied Will and Annabel in unison, and Will cer­tainly did not mind. He was happy just to watch and learn how to handle the different jobs. Because, he realized (these are filter words, which aren't necessary and put a barrier between the reader and the story), even if they had trained and practised at school, be­ing out there and doing the job for real was quite a bit dif­ferent.

Soon they had reached their destination and Will could see the problem (this tells us what you're about to show us, so it's not needed). Just as the code implied, the presents were all scattered around at the far back of the garden of the house. One was even up a tree; (change to comma, then revise the rest of the sentence) another one was stuck in the branches of a bush. Contractus hurriedly performed the cover spell on the sleigh and on himself, then jumped down from the sleigh as soon as it had slid to a stop. He hurried over (how does this look? Does he trip over anything? Does he stumble through the snow? How does Contractus hurry? His actions will show us more of his character.) to the scattered parcels, closely followed by Will and Annabel, covered once more by Annabel’s spell.

When they reached the presents, Contractus took out his wand, swept it around in a wide circle to include all the pack­ages, and performed the rather complicated spell that would re­locate them to the inside of the house, dir­ectly underneath the Christmas tree. Will was impressed (this tells us he's impressed. Instead, give him some internal dialog so you can show us he's impressed, and what, exactly, impressed him) by the ease and grace with which Contractus performed the spell (show us this ease and grace as he's doing it--easy flick of his wand, hardly needed to say the incantation, the presents responded as if eager to please him, etc. Let us see his action instead of telling us that he's doing something). Annabel—and Sabrina of course—could probably have matched it, but Will could still well remember his first tries with the spells in the training area at school (this isn't needed; the next sentence gives us the same information, but far more effectively). He certainly had not managed to relocate the presents, but had ended up with them scattered even more about the place than when he had started.

Meanwhile the presents had disappeared, and there was no trace of them left in the snow. Contractus looked pleased (how does this look? How does Contractus show pleasure? Does he smirk? Shake his hips in a victory dance? Nod his head once? Different people show pleasure in different ways, so show us what Contractus does, and it will show us what kind of person he is), and led Will and Annabel over to the house. There he waved his wand again in the pattern of a com­plicated spell (what kind of pattern? A figure eight? A bunch of criss-crossing lines? Give us some basic idea of how the wand moved, even if Will can't catch all the details. He'll still catch some basics, and then we'll get a clear image in our heads) that Will did not know, and part of the wall in front of them turned transpar­ent, so they were looking directly at the Christmas tree inside the living room and could see (filtering words and not necessary) that the presents were arranged neatly under­neath it.

‘Wow,’ Annabel said. ‘That’s a fabulous spell. I’d like to learn that one!’

Contractus smiled. ‘Yes, it can be very helpful indeed. But it’s quite complicated, and unfortunately has much potential for misuse, so I’m afraid it will be some time be­fore you’ll learn it.’

‘Oh.’ Annabel looked rather disappointed (how does this look? Again, different people show disappointment in different ways, and these details show us what kind of person Annabel is. Give her specific actions, and we'll get her emotions from that).

‘Let’s go back. We’re done here, and we already have the next job waiting.’

Will was the first to climb back onto the sleigh. He quickly closed the current job and opened the next one.
***

What a cool idea! I'm curious to know more about the world, as well as how Will and Annabel came to be in a sleigh helping to fix Christmas presents. Also, how the presents ended up so messed up in the first place.

I think you mostly need to focus on bringing more action to your characters. Body language, facial expressions, small actions, etc. These details will bring more life to your characters, make them feel more realistic, and engage your reader more.

I hope this was helpful. Happy writing!!
 

2 comments:

Kelly Hashway said...

Great suggestions. No need to tell something that you are going to show. Always just show.

Beverly Stowe McClure said...

Super critique. Certain words gove us a clue that we're telling, rather than showing (looked, etc.) Bad habit of mine because it's easier than coming up with a great description. :)