I have another request for a critique, and this is a revision from
a previous piece, too! To the author: you are a brave and wondrous soul. :)
I do hope those of you reading will offer your thoughts on this story. If you like, you can read the original by clicking on the link above. The new version is below:
***
~Prologue~
Come at eleven, he had whispered. No earlier, no later.
Sifting
and searching through the chest at the end of her bed, Annie’s fingers finally
found the dark red cloak she had been looking for. Hastily throwing it on, she
grabbed the basket of food off her bed and set out into the hallway, headed for
the front doors of the academy.
Finally
reaching the ground level of the school, Annie flung the heavy oak door open
and set out into the freezing night. It was quarter to eleven, which meant she
had to hurry to make it to her destination in time. She almost made it to the bottom of the
concrete steps when she saw something in her peripheral vision. Her curiosity
getting the best of her, she sat down the basket of food and bent down towards
a bush. Illuminated by a street light, a piece of sparkling purple fabric was
hanging off of a branch.
Just a piece of fabric, she thought, and
glanced at her watch. Now I’ve got to
leave.
And she
almost did.
She
picked up her food and finished descending the stairs. But then she heard
something that forced her to stop. The voice of a scared, nervous child came
from the bushes. It was barely a whisper, but it was loud enough for Annie to
hear. She knew she needed to hurry to make it to her plans, to Anthony, in
time, but she couldn’t leave. The child sounded so scared.
“Emmy?
Emmy, where are we?”
Annie
jogged back up the stairs and walked into the landscaping. Peering around the
same bush from before, she looked for the source of the voices.
“Hello?”
She called quietly. “Who’s there?”
The
sound of rustling bushes came from behind her.
When she spun around, she came face to face with four little girls, no
older than four or five years old. They looked scared and exhausted, and their
clothes were clearly old and stained. Dark rims were definite and sharp
underneath their eyes. They made Annie’s heart break instantly.
They’re homeless, was
Annie’s first thought. What I am supposed
to do? Annie bent down to their height to talk to them.
“My
name is Annie,” She said, “What are you doing out here in the cold? Who are
you?”
The
little girl with short, brown hair cut off at her chin stepped forward. “My
name is Emmy. I’m fow-a.” She spoke with a small lisp. “I do not know why we
are here. Please help us.”
Annie
could not believe her eyes or ears. This
kind of stuff just doesn’t happen. She looked at her watch and saw that it
was only three minutes until eleven. She couldn’t leave the children now; she
had to know why they were there. She would just have to explain to Anthony
another time.
“Here,”
she said, holding out a hand. “Come inside the doors with me, and we’ll figure
this out.”
She
stood up and motioned them forward. On the way inside, Annie picked up the
basket of food up and hurried the girls along. Just as the last girl was entering the
building, a small piece of paper fell out of a hole in her pocket. Staring at
it for a fraction of a second, Annie scooped it up and closed her fingers
around it. Printed in large, loopy
handwriting was one important, crucial word:
Instructions
Sneaking one last look behind her,
Annie walked into the school, latched and locked the door behind her, and turned
to face the mysterious strangers.
~ ~ ~
The Note
that Annie Read
***
My Comments:
~Prologue~
Come at eleven, he had whispered. No earlier, no later. (Interesting request. Sounds kind of ominous. Is that the intent?)
Sifting and searching through the chest at the end of her bed, Annie’s fingers finally found the dark red cloak she had been looking for. Hastily throwing it on, she grabbed the basket of food off her bed and set out into the hallway, headed for the front doors of the academy. (So, she's off to a clandestine meeting? :) I'm hoping this will play a big part later on.)
Finally reaching the ground level of the school (might be a good opportunity to tell us the name of the school, plus Annie's role here--student, teacher, assistant, etc. It sounds like she's a student, but it would be nice to know for sure.), Annie flung the heavy oak door open and set out into the freezing night. It was quarter to eleven, which meant she had to hurry to make it to her destination in time. She almost made it to the bottom of the concrete steps when she saw something in her peripheral vision. Her curiosity getting the best of her, she sat (set) down the basket of food and bent down towards a bush. Illuminated by a street light (Hmm, I'm intrigued. Annie has a cloak which implies a time long ago, but street lights imply modern. Are they gas street lamps? I love that you add this detail, and I think a little more will paint a clearer picture), a piece of sparkling purple fabric was hanging off of a branch.
Just a piece of fabric, she thought, and glanced at her watch. Now I’ve got to leave.
And she almost did.
She picked up her food and finished descending the stairs. But then she heard something that forced her to stop. The voice of a scared, nervous child came from the bushes. It was barely a whisper, but it was loud enough for Annie to hear. She knew she needed to hurry to make it to her plans, to Anthony, in time, but she couldn’t leave. The child sounded so scared.
“Emmy? Emmy, where are we?”
Annie jogged back up the stairs and walked into the landscaping. Peering around the same bush from before, she looked for the source of the voices.
“Hello?” She called quietly. “Who’s there?”
The sound of rustling bushes came from behind her. When she spun around, she came face to face with four little girls, no older than four or five years old. They looked scared and exhausted, and their clothes were clearly old and stained. Dark rims were definite and sharp underneath their eyes. They made Annie’s heart break instantly.
They’re homeless, was Annie’s first thought. What I am supposed to do? Annie bent down to their height to talk to them.
“My name is Annie,” She said, “What are you doing out here in the cold? Who are you?”
The little girl with short, brown hair cut off at her chin stepped forward. “My name is Emmy. I’m fow-a.” She spoke with a small lisp. “I do not know why we are here. Please help us.”
Annie could not believe her eyes or ears. This kind of stuff just doesn’t happen. She looked at her watch and saw that it was only three minutes until eleven. She couldn’t leave the children now; she had to know why they were there. She would just have to explain to Anthony another time. (I'd love to know the nature of her meeting with Anthony. The 'no earlier, no later' request sounds a little business-like, but the basket of food sounds personal. I'd like to know exactly what she's giving up in order to help these girls. And to risk getting into trouble with the school for being outside at night when she found them. Knowing this info will help me know Annie better, which will help me connect with her.)
“Here,” she said, holding out a hand. “Come inside the doors with me, and we’ll figure this out.”
She stood up and motioned them forward. On the way inside, Annie picked up the basket of food up and hurried the girls along (Are the girls hungry? Does she offer them the food inside the basket?). Just as the last girl was entering the building, a small piece of paper fell out of a hole in her pocket. Staring at it for a fraction of a second, Annie scooped it up and closed her fingers around it. Printed in large, loopy handwriting was one important, crucial word:
Instructions (Great hook!)
Sneaking one last look behind her, Annie walked into the school, latched and locked the door behind her, and turned to face the mysterious strangers.
~ ~ ~
The Note that Annie Read
This appears to be the title of the first chapter, yes? I am quite interested enough to keep reading so I can find out what was inside that note. Also, I think this opening is more effective than the first one you sent in. With a little more clarification on Annie's midnight picnic, you'll have one heck of a hook here.
What do the rest of you think? Leave your feedback in the comments, and please be honest AND constructive.
