It’s been a while since someone
took me up on my offer to critique 500 words, and recently a lovely fourteen
year old stepped up to the plate. So, here’s the snippet, followed by my
critique. Please give your own feedback if you can (and keep it constructive!).
***
Raven
gritted her teeth in frustration, her knuckles turning white against the ship's
helm as she clutched it to bring the ship to a heave to, ready to meet the
storm. Hazel eyes ringed with dark green blazed in anger and defiance, her
jet-black hair plastered onto her forehead.
"Cap'n,
they've spo'ed us! She's headed our way! They be comin' from larboard!"
Damn
it! she thought. Rain beat down in a relentless torrent upon the world, the
waves roaring as loud and wild as a captured beast finally set free. Again and
again, the vessel was jostled to and fro at the ocean's whim. It wasn't that
Raven disliked the rain––she loved the feel of the drops cascading down her
face and relished the wet that it brought with it––but she disliked the
problems that it brought for her ship and her crew. Shutting her eyes, she
tried her best to calm herself down and calm the ocean down, but to no avail.
The sea had a will of its own.
"All
hands on deck!" she hollered in a loud, carrying voice that contrasted
with her small build. She whirled to the man standing beside her, her first
mate. Wide, light blue eyes studied her with an unnerving calm, as if the two
of them were taking a stroll in the park and not riding the storm of their
lives, and his auburn hair clung to his head.
"Jory,
make sure tha' the loot is safe. Don't let anythin' happen to it,
understand?" she commanded.
"Aye
aye, captain," he replied, and dashed down toward the bay, his tall, lithe
figure lumbering farther away from her.
"Rags!
Scrat!" she shouted at two men that were standing port, near the bridge.
"Man the tiller!" The two nodded as they understood the command.
"Kar!" she bellowed to the man on the crow's nest, and he looked
down, though it was hard to make out the movement in the rain. "Keep an
eye on the enemy!" She then yelled out for everyone to hear, "Free
the sails! Put your backs into it! We be ridin' out this blasted storm!"
Raven
struggled against the wheel as it tried its hardest to turn the opposite of the
way she wanted. The rain beat down harder and faster than before, a feat she
had considered impossible. It seemed that God had decided to turn the water on
full blast, icy sheets pouring down with heartless abandon. Colorful curses
flew from her mouth as she heard the dreaded cry of "Wave!", and she
braced herself for impact.
A wall
of liquid ice slammed into her, the rain seeming almost warm in comparison, and
she tightened her grip on the wheel to keep from losing her footing. Just when
she was sure that she would have to open her lips and inhale a mouthful of cold
water, the wave passed, leaving her rasping for breath and shuddering with cold
in its wake.
Running
her eyes across her ship, she scanned the occupants to ensure that none had
become at mercy of the sea. Satisfied that everyone had made it, she returned
her attention to the task at hand––steering her ship.
"Captain!"
one of her crew called. "She's sprung a leak! Water's leakin' in fast in
the hull!"
A few
choice words flew out of her mouth. "Take Blarn and a few men to patch it
up. Hurry! We've no' go' much time!"
She
would've gone herself, but she had to evade the cutlass flapping Navy dogs that
were on her tail and steer in this blasted storm.
"Aye
aye!" he said, and then clambered toward the carpenter, Blarn.
Wave
after wave of sloshing seawater slammed into the side of the ship. Sheet after
sheet of icy rain rammed into her. Burst after burst of howling wind made her
fingers, her face, her body go numb.
But
none of that compared to what she heard next––cannon fire. Nearby. Her heart
jumped into her throat and her eyes widened.
"They're
here! They're near! Cap'n, they sneaked on us!"
"Rags!
Weren't you keepin' an eye on 'em?!" she asked, her eyes narrowed and her
mouth twisting into a frown, annoyed with the fact that he hadn't done his job.
She was almost thrown off her feet as a succession of cannonballs collided with
the larboard side of the ship.
"Cap'n,
they've hi' us with cannonballs! They've started firin'!" Rags replied,
rather than answering her question.
"Oh,
really? Couldn't have figured tha' one ou'!" she snapped, her temper
sparked. "Rags, make yourself useful 'n' tell me how many they've go'
onboard!"
"They've
got...two dozen a' least! No, add another dozen to tha'! The ship's huge!"
he shouted back, shocked, and then added with a touch of fright, "Cap'n,
if they get us, we're doomed!"
***
My Critique
-------------
Raven
gritted her teeth in frustration, her knuckles turning white against the ship's
helm as she clutched it to bring the ship to a heave-to, ready to meet the
storm. Hazel eyes ringed with dark green blazed in anger and defiance, her
jet-black hair plastered onto her forehead. (This is the perfect way to introduce your character's description--using action and not a laundry list. I'm not sure it fits just here since we're in the middle of action. Or, at least, maybe not all of it. The hair could work, but the eyes could come later)
"Cap'n,
they've spo'ed us! She's headed our way! They be comin' from larboard!" (I had to read this a couple times, but this is actually a clever way to show that Raven is the captain. At first, I thought it was Raven speaking, but then it becomes clear in the next paragraph that she didn't. So if the person speaking here is identified, that will solidify Raven's status aboard the ship)
Damn
it! she thought. Rain beat down in a relentless torrent upon the world, the
waves roaring as loud and wild as a captured beast finally set free. Again and
again, the vessel was jostled to and fro at the ocean's whim. It wasn't that
Raven disliked the rain––she loved the feel of the drops cascading down her
face and relished the wet that it brought with it––but she disliked the
problems that it brought for her ship and her crew. Shutting her eyes, she
tried her best to calm herself down and calm the ocean down, but to no avail.
The sea had a will of its own. (I like this bit of insight into Raven. I'm not sure it fits just here, since I've got a burning desire to know who's chasing them and why. This would be a good spot to reveal that info)
"All
hands on deck!" she hollered in a loud, carrying voice that contrasted
with her small build. She whirled to the man standing beside her, her first
mate. Wide, light blue eyes studied her with an unnerving calm, as if the two
of them were taking a stroll in the park and not riding the storm of their
lives, and his auburn hair clung to his head.
"Jory,
make sure tha' the loot is safe. Don't let anythin' happen to it,
understand?" she commanded.
"Aye
aye, captain," he replied, and dashed down toward the bay, his tall, lithe
figure lumbering farther away from her. (These two words contradict each other. Perhaps choose one and then a different descriptor?)
"Rags!
Scrat!" she shouted at two men that were standing port, near the bridge.
"Man the tiller!" The two nodded as they understood the command.
"Kar!" she bellowed to the man on the crow's nest, and he looked
down, though it was hard to make out the movement in the rain. "Keep an
eye on the enemy!" She then yelled out for everyone to hear, "Free
the sails! Put your backs into it! We be ridin' out this blasted storm!" (The first two commands make it seem like no one was manning the tiller, and that no one was keeping an eye on the enemy. But I'm sure they were or the situation would be very different. The last command seems like one she'd shout at this moment. Perhaps scale it down to that and have her direct the order at Rags, Scrat, and Jory. Or, Introduce them at a later time)
Raven
struggled against the wheel as it tried its hardest to turn the opposite of the
way she wanted. The rain beat down harder and faster than before, a feat she
had considered impossible. It seemed that God had decided to turn the water on
full blast, icy sheets pouring down with heartless abandon. Colorful curses
flew from her mouth as she heard the dreaded cry of "Wave!", and she
braced herself for impact.
A wall
of liquid ice slammed into her, the rain seeming almost warm in comparison, and
she tightened her grip on the wheel to keep from losing her footing. Just when
she was sure that she would have to open her lips and inhale a mouthful of cold
water, the wave passed, leaving her rasping for breath and shuddering with cold
in its wake. (nice description)
Running
her eyes across her ship, she scanned the occupants to ensure that none had
become at mercy of the sea. Satisfied that everyone had made it, she returned
her attention to the task at hand––steering her ship.
"Captain!"
one of her crew called. "She's sprung a leak! Water's leakin' in fast in
the hull!" (How did it spring a leak? Waves on their own can't puncture a ship, but if the person chasing them managed to nick them with a cannon or something, that would do it)
A few
choice words flew out of her mouth. "Take Blarn and a few men to patch it
up. Hurry! We've no' go' much time!"
She
would've gone herself, but she had to evade the cutlass flapping Navy dogs that
were on her tail and steer in this blasted storm.
"Aye
aye!" he said, and then clambered toward the carpenter, Blarn.
Wave
after wave of sloshing seawater slammed into the side of the ship. Sheet after
sheet of icy rain rammed into her. Burst after burst of howling wind made her
fingers, her face, her body go numb.
But
none of that compared to what she heard next––cannon fire. Nearby. Her heart
jumped into her throat and her eyes widened. (We are in Raven's head for the first part of this sentence, but this last bit takes us out and puts us outside. Things that describe what she looks like go from in to out and removes the closeness that the reader feels, and they're often not necessary. Keep an eye out for these)
"They're
here! They're near! Cap'n, they sneaked on us!" (Not sure how you sneak up on someone in a storm. It might be possible, but I'm having a hard time picturing it. Is it necessary that they sneak up on Raven's ship? Or can they just gradually get closer while Raven's ship tries and fails to lose them?)
"Rags!
Weren't you keepin' an eye on 'em?!" she asked, her eyes narrowed and her
mouth twisting into a frown, annoyed with the fact that he hadn't done his job.
She was almost thrown off her feet as a succession of cannonballs collided with
the larboard side of the ship.
"Cap'n,
they've hi' us with cannonballs! They've started firin'!" Rags replied,
rather than answering her question.
"Oh,
really? Couldn't have figured tha' one ou'!" she snapped, her temper
sparked. "Rags, make yourself useful 'n' tell me how many they've go'
onboard!"
"They've
got...two dozen a' least! No, add another dozen to tha'! The ship's huge!"
he shouted back, shocked, and then added with a touch of fright, "Cap'n,
if they get us, we're doomed!"
General Thoughts: This sounds like the start of a great adventure. I like Raven. She feels real, and we are solidly inside her head. There are a few moments where we're brought outside of her, which was a bit jarring, but that's easily fixed. I would have liked to know why they were being chased--I'm guessing Raven is a pirate and 'the law' is chasing her to bring her to justice. But why? What did she do? And why is it so important that she get away? I'd rather have this info up front, and then show insights or the incompetence of some of her crew later on.
But, overall, this is well written and sounds like a lot of fun. Keep going!!
